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Mädchen, die sich selbst bedienen (1974)

A guy goes into one of those booths where you pay to watch a porno and whack off. I guess that’s the framing story, though I don’t see how it’s necessary.

We then see a group of guys bowling. One is big and kind of ugly, with a prominent uni brow and a leonine head. A voluptuous woman is bowling with them, scantily clad, and when she bends over to bowl her skirt rides up, showing her butt. She goes into some kind of locker room and gets naked, but leaves her shoes on, and reclines on a bench.

The ugly guy goes in the locker room and drops trou. “Are you first?” the woman asks. Apparently she’s some kind of prostitute who also bowls. The ugly guy wears weird patterned underpants. He starts really dirty talking her, like this is a Max Hardcore video, rather than soft porn. It’s quite shocking. The girl doesn’t seem put off by it. He leaves and the girl sits like a fat man on the toilet, legs spread, and uses a piece of fabric on the bench next to her to rub her genitals.

Um, is this supposed to be erotic? It’s depressing, like it’s trying to show us the ghastly reality of life as a sex worker. But then the next guy goes in and has sex with her, and she seems to enjoy it more, commenting that this guy’s “c*ck” is bigger than the last guy’s. He comes early and she gets a little upset with him. She tells him to use the piece of material she used to clean her vagina with to wipe his penis, but to “leave her a dry spot”. Again, not particularly erotic, is it?

The third sex scene with another bowler is shot from a top-down view and looks kind of unrealistic. You can see the beautiful woman’s naked body, and a guy thrusting away between her legs, but he looks too far away to actually be penetrating her.

The fourth guy kneels in front of the woman and gives her cunnilingus. He apparently doesn’t mind that she just had sex with three of his buddies, none of whom used condoms. How’s that cream-pie taste, bro? He even makes slurping noises and remarks, “It was delicious”. What a pervert.

And then we go back to the guy in the booth, so I guess that’s the end of that segment. The girl in it was extraordinarily sexy, but it was grimy and depressing.

The guy in the booth makes an asinine, negligible comment about how he’s not really interested in porno flicks and just “wants to know how they’re made”. You’re already in the booth, bro. It’s too late for excuses.

Then we’re off into the next segment. A man is lying on an operating table surrounded by doctors, in a room that nobody could believe is located inside a hospital. I guess they went all out on costumes and props and couldn’t afford a decent set.

A nurse on the soundtrack comments on the man on the gurney, saying he’ll “never be a man like the others”, and how she’s “heard of circumcision, but this is ridiculous”. She says she’ll “do her best to comfort him tonight”.

Sure enough, we cut to the hospital room where he’s convalescing after the operation – whatever it was – and the nurse sneaks in, stripping off her gown and getting naked while the man sleeps. Like the girl in the previous segment, she is voluptuous and sexy.

On the English dub, she has a weird southern drawl. The man in bed, despite recovering from an operation, wakes up and runs his hand over the nurse’s naked body. He fingers her while she plays with her breasts and breathes heavily, while an inexplicable harpsichord soundtrack plays.

She climbs on top of him, lowering her groin over his face so that he can eat her out – apparently not fearing for his life due to the suffocation risk.

And then that’s the end? Wha? We didn’t even find out what his operation was supposed to be. I guess the point is that, whereas he can’t have sex normally, he can still give head. Phew!

After a quick – and not to mention, pointless – cutback to the guy in the booth, the next segment starts with a shot depicting a fully naked man lying on his back in a sauna. With his long moustache and lank hair, he looks like Lemmy from Motorhead. This is the first full frontal male nudity in the movie.

A naked woman comes into the sauna, and the man is alarmed to see her and covers up. He calms down pretty quickly though, when she starts talking about sex and masturbating. “I must have some cck,” she says. The man rolls over. “Are you faggot?” she asks him. “Is your cck broken?” “My pussy needs some juice,” she explains, getting up and leaving. “I should have been a dyke, you sh*t.”

But then she comes back and finds he has an erection, pitching the towel he has thankfully draped across his groin. Sitting on the seat above him, the woman teases him with her feet, and we get shots of her spread vagina, showing that as usual soft porn from Europe is harder than hard porn from the US.

The scene changes to sculptor’s studio. A picture of a black woman on the wall has a dildo sticking out from between her breasts. The woman strips the man, and a statue in the way prevents us from seeing his junk. The woman’s stream of obscenities – there’s that dirty talk again – is broken when we are made to believe she is giving him a blowjob. Then he poses naked for her, apparently having lost his erection in seconds.

The woman starts marking a sculpture of an erection, despite the fact that her model doesn’t have one.

Finally they have sex, in one long unbroken take, which just looks like the guy pawing the woman’s breast while she gets angry about it. There’s little attempt to simulate penetration.

Segment over, so we go back to the nudie booth. We are apparently witnessing the corruption of the guy in it. His voice over becomes increasingly perverted, remarking that an aeroplane “looks like a big c*ck with two wings”.

This plane is the setting for the next segment. A young man with long blonde hair looks through the window and calls a stewardess over, seducing her. The other people on the plane – of which there aren’t many – don’t seem to realise. The stewardess tells the man to meet her in the bathroom, where she goes and strips naked. He follows.

Their sex scene is interrupted by pointless shots of the plane flying through the air.

And that’s over. Pretty tedious.

Back int he nudie booth, the guy is watching another guy watch an ancient silent pornoraphic cartoon, featuring a cartoon man with a huge phallus, and dogs and snakes mating. He walks along with his huge penis dragging along the ground and encounters a naked, masturbating woman. Another guy is shown having sex with a donkey, and the first guy confronts him. They duel with their penises.

Was the point of showing this execrable cartoon to make the rest of the movie seem well made by comparison?

While the idiot watches the stupid cartoon, a beautiful woman comes into the room next door, gets naked and masturbates. Hearing her sounds of pleasure, the guy goes to a spyhole in the wall and watches. We get a closeup of the woman’s vagina as she masturbates, again testing the limits of “soft core”.

Apparently the spyhole works both ways. The guy goes back to his ancient porno and the woman spies on him doing it. Predictably, she joins him, and they have sex… or at least she lies back while he puts his hand on her breasts, like the two did in the plane. There’s not much in it for either of them, is there?

“Wow, he’s really fcking the sht out of that c*nt!” remarks the guy in the nudie booth. His strongly accented English is funny.

In the next segment, a housewife listens to someone playing violin and strips off her clothes, masturbating in front of a bedroom mirror.

She doesn’t know that the violinist is actually kind of ugly! The movie cuts to him occasionally. The end.

The next segment shows a man trying to sleep while his neighbours are having loud sex. The woman, particularly, is vocal, sounding like a train whistle. She appears to be a person of colour, the first non-white in the film yet.

The guy trying to sleep comes out with a stream of obscenities: “I’d like to f*ck her while he sucks my ass!”

These are perhaps the most graphic sex scenes yet. It looks like they’re actually doing it, instead of just pretending.

The next day, the guy who was trying to sleep rolls around on his bed, pretending to have sex, recording the noises he makes. He imitates the woman and the man. Perhaps to get revenge, he plays this recording so that they can hear it, but of course it just turns them on more. The man buries his face in the girl’s hairy bush while the ridiculous sound effects play. After they have sex, the woman, intrigued by the sound effects, crawls into the vengeful insomniac’s bed, but he climaxes almost immediately, so she goes back to the other guy, and the insomniac goes back to not being able to sleep.

“Such a sad end for the poor guy,” says the guy in the nudie booth, as he leaves the sex shop. He looks at some vibrators through the shop window and we get some scenes of some of the women from the prior segments masturbating with them.

And then the movie’s over. I can’t say I really enjoyed it, or recommend it. It was mostly pretty boring. For campy throwback ’70s softcore, I recommend the Schoolgirl Report movies instead. They’re out of this world.