Sassy Sue (1973)

Sassy Sue is a good reason for why you shouldn’t sleep with family members. It’s like a Norman Rockwell painting except with beaver shots, bestiality, masturbation, alcoholism and incest.

As if you couldn’t guess, the storyline involves some crazed crackers with hankering for humping. Willard (PATRICK WRIGHT) owns a broken-down chicken farm and makes a few dollars selling gas and corn likker to the local yokels Lending a helping hand is his pipe-smoking toothless wife, and their facially-challenged offspring, Junior (JOHN TULL, who else?). .

Since Ma is so ugly she should be in a jar, Willard spends most of his time gettin’ comfy with the local bible belt beauties. He’s led into temptation by Honeychild (RACHEL WOLFE) whose pelvic swivel opens up his drool glands and leads to some energetic plowing in Willard’s love shack. (Tin roof. Rusted.) Later, Willard has a favor to ask of Honeychild. By golly, it seems Junior don’t cotton to normal sex. In fact, he’s in love with a cow named Sassy Sue. Honeychild agrees to straighten the animal lover out. But when Willard sneaks a peek, he finds Junior doing her doggie style with a harness jammed in her mouth. “It would help if you mooed a little,” he mutters, tugging on her reins…

Uncle Bobby John and Cousin Donnie Lou drop off their teen daughters for a few days. Sally (SHARON KELLY) and Dolly Lee (TALLY WRIGHT) are sweeter than cherry pie: ripe, juicy, and lip-smacking tasty. Willard asks Sally to turn Junior onto two-legged females. She agrees, then he gets her tipsy on hooch and gives her box a test drive. “Poontang and corn. Best things God ever gave us,” he declares. Though Willard’s also busy trying to invent the perfect toilet seat (“Trust your soul to God, but leave your behind to me!”), he nevertheless finds time to make a house call on a shanty tramp named Abigail (SANDI CAREY!) “Whip me like I was a bad little girl,” she coos. This confuses the big moron but he eventually spanks her caboose with a rope.

Meanwhile, Sally and Dolly corner Junior in a hay loft. He tries to stave off the sex kittens but they put the Vulcan Death Grip on his honker. Will Junior ever find penile harmony with the opposite sex? Here’s a hint: Never underestimate the love between a man and his cow… Udder madness.

Another HARRY NOVAK / BETHEL BUCKALEW backwoods ballathon, Sassy Sue is the type of movie where a cattle prod is considered a marital aid. Patrick (Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens) Wright really puts on a show. His facial expressions alone justify watching this. And keep your eyes peeled for the family pooch who shoves his cold wet nose in the girls’ crotches every chance he gets. Sharon Kelly (a natural redhead with a body like Jessica Rabbit) also copulated her way through Teenage Bride and The Dirty Mind of Young Sally.

Speaking of cows, her otherworldly chest is so big, frat boys probably tip her over. From the 35mm bovine negative.
— Mike Accomando, Dreadful Pleasures