Model Wife (1990)

Patti Rhodes and her late, former husband Fred Lincoln, both get directing credits for this loser from Caballero, one of the underachieving label’s numerous low-grade feature videos from yesteryear. Apparently they were all reissued on DVD simply for my benefit, as no other sane (or even insane) fan bothers much with them.

This one purports to be set in the advertising industry, or at least one from a parallel world of the Lincoln duo’s imagination. Sandra Scream is posited as a big-deal advertising photographer, with a swishy and extremely poorly acted Gay Assistant portrayed by the infamous Marc Wallice.

Plot takes forever to enter the sex-stressed picture, and is disappointingly something of a riff on mainstream stuff, turning this into a prehistoric form of today’s horrible “porn parody” (= ripoff) genre, which would be titled something like “It Ain’t Green Card XXX” if shot in the 21st Century. Resemblance to the Depardieu/Andie MacDowell is minimal, thank God!

Zara Whites is the foreign import model working for Scream, ultimately concocting a marriage of convenience to Wallice so that she can continue her successful career in the States. I have no idea how porno talent (Stella Cox’s recent visit to Chatsworth to crank out a ton of porn in a limited amount of time before heading back to her native England comes to mind) figures into visa and Green Card status for Euro stars working in the U.S., but this stupid video throws little useful light on the matter.

Besides Wallice’s overplaying, Miss Pomodoro is yet another import, this time from Italy, who plays a Russian model named Natasha, while Woody Long tags along with Scream since Ms. SS would only hump him on screen, no substitute dicks permitted. You probably remember the incident where Paul Reubens/Pee Wee Herman was arrested for indecency masturbating at a cinema playing a Sandra Scream video -this surely wasn’t it.

  • Scene 1. Zara Whites, Tony Montana
  • Scene 2. Miss Pomodoro, Tom Byron
  • Scene 3. Sandra Scream, Woody Long
  • Scene 4. Bridgette Monroe, Miss Pomodoro, Marc Wallice
  • Scene 5. Zara Whites, Marc Wallice