Christina y la reconversión sexual (1984)

Christina Von Belle, a wealthy heiress, is kidnapped by a lesbian terrorist group and held for ransom. She escapes the lesbian terrorists only to fall into the clutches of a gang of gourmet chefs who want a piece of the ransom themselves.

I don’t know how to rate this movie. Read the summary. Seriously, read it. Okay, now know that there is so much more awful weirdness happening here. If the Emmanuelle series is Playboy, then this would be Penthouse tastelessly chasing that same demo. One can practically hear Bob Guccione shouting from just off screen for more gratuitous shots.

The film boldly states out front that “This is first in a series of films based on the international best sellers.” That “series” never went further than this film. They cast Jewel Shepard as the titular character, a woman who is supposed to be one of the richest and most sophisticated women in the world. I love Jewel Shepard, but worldly and sophisticated are not the first two qualities I think of when her name pops up. All of the dialogue is dubbed and whoever did the VO dub for Jewel gives the most breathy over the top hammy performance, it’s insane.

They make the Christina character practically allergic to clothing. She is constantly naked. She is supposed to be so insanely attractive that everyone she meets instantly falls for her. The reality that this movie exists in is pulled directly from the letters of Penthouse Forum.

The film looks great, but that is the level of quality that one expects from the guy that shot The Exterminators of the Year 3000 and The Devil’s Honey. Even if every single one of the sex scenes lacks any heat at all (in fact, they made me concerned for Jewel Shepard’s wellbeing) they still look great.

There it is. A nice looking, super pervy film featuring a horribly miscast lead, dubbed performances and a bizarre story that plays like a huge pile of cocaine became sentient and spoke to a man with a typewriter like God spoke to Moses through the burning bush. It’s a terrible movie that I would never recommend to anyone, but it’s so strange that I kind of feel like it needs to be treasured. 4 stars? It feels wrong, but in the context of this film, that probably means it’s right.

Actors: Karin Schubert