Romancing Sara (1995)

Xmas T.I.T.T.Y. presents some dodgy but rare softcore action featuring Dita Von Teese back when she was still known as Heather Sweet. The story, what there is of it, concerns raw-egg drinking beefcake Brad’s attempts to find a proper girlfriend and put an end to his strings of one night stands with beautiful women (huh?) he’s a famous writer as well (oh right so this is aimed at chicks then) so one night after a particularly energetic night of shagging a barely legal dancer he’s moodily walking along the beach when he bumps into this ginger bird. It’s love at first sight obviously so he takes her home and tries it on but lo he has no condoms and they’re both awaiting the results of AIDs tests (how romantic!) so there’s nothing else for it but to cuddle up in front of the fireplace and tell each other stories of their sexual experiences. Brad kicks things off with the tale of how he almost got shot when he was caught having kinky sex with Dita Von Teese by her angry hubby. Ginger then tells the epic story of her threesome with a painter and his girlfriend. Things get a bit heated at this point and Brad fingerbangs Ginger after which she leaves (boo hiss!) but don’t worry she comes back the morning after and teases another story from Brad, this time about his threesome with twins, and then finally she mercifully bangs his motherfucking brains out. I can only hope that after the credits rolled he booted her arse out the door and phoned up the dancer again.