Flash Pants (1983)

Of the three adult films “inspired” by Adrian Lyne’s lovably ludicrous leggings & leotards blockbuster FLASHDANCE, this is easily the worst. Ken Gibb’s FLESHDANCE remained closest in storyline and, dare I say it, spirit to the not-so-original (which was, after all, little more than a blatant reworking of 42ND STREET for the aerobics era) with leading lady Shanna Evans bearing close resemblance to Jennifer Beals to boot. On the other hand, Joe Robertson’s SEXDANCE FEVER didn’t bother with any such similarities but had infectious energy and a good-looking cast. Another of director Eve Milan’s schoolgirl sagas, like THE T&A TEAM and FIRST TIME AT CHERRY HIGH (her – ? – best work), FLASH PANTS throws in a couple of poorly staged, not to mention pathetically performed, “production numbers” almost as an afterthought. Sole exception is lovely Michelle Maren who struts her stuff on three separate occasions yet each time so incongruously inserted as to provoke gales of laughter rather than admiration for her Terpsichorean prowess. My personal favorite, for all the wrong reasons, is the moment she rips off her prim ‘n’ proper high school uniform as if it were a stripper outfit in the middle of the school yard to put on an impromptu display of high kicks for her understandably bewildered girlfriends ! Frequently cast for non-sex support, Maren’s only hardcore footage can be found in Gerard Damiano’s THROAT 12 YEARS AFTER and Ron Sullivan’s PUBLIC AFFAIRS.

Plot, such as it is, has a bunch of high school students in fetish-inducing plaid skirts and knee socks competing for the title of Flash Night Queen, sort of an alternative to prom night with the girl who has shown the best moves both vertically and horizontally (geddit ?) awarded the dubious honor of partaking in pleasures of the flesh with the event’s mysterious organizer known only as the King. Most of the girls are precocious teenage tramps with the exception of aptly named Angela, played with relatively convincing naiveté by fan favorite Tanya Lawson (Ron Jeremy’s erstwhile girlfriend until she found religion and left both him and the industry), who has been saving herself till marriage, much to the chagrin of slow-witted beau “Bobby Spector” a/k/a the late Bill Landis of Sleazoid Express and Metasex fame. Trivia alert : speaking of dubious honors, luscious Lawson curiously appeared in all three FLASHDANCE send-ups, though this is her only lead in any of those. True to character, she holds out – with only a stuffed toy solo to keep audience impatience at bay – until a third act revelation compels her to slut out with most of the male cast for the hands down hottest sex in an otherwise barely lukewarm endeavor.

For the record, Athena Star and Alexis X – blond and redhead respectively – appear together as they did on numerous occasions. Considering their simultaneous industry entry, they may have been real life friends. Their easy-going rapport makes their obligatory Sapphic tryst fun to watch. While Star remained an adult film mainstay, albeit in a second string capacity, until decade’s end, Alexis called it quits after a dozen movies in a year or so. She has one of the hotter scenes when she assaults her squeamish boyfriend as he’s washing his dad’s car. Giggly blond Chrissy Williams, a bad actress even by porn’s less than lofty standards who appears to be reading her lines off poorly placed cue cards, only did Ron “Art Ben” Dorfman’s characteristically uneven WOMEN AT PLAY besides. She looks positively terrified by motor mouth Jerry Butler, playing her jock boyfriend. Black performer Nicole Bernard, who’s in the tepid tub threesome, had bit parts in several high profile hardcore features including Roger Watkins’ CORRUPTION and Howard Winters’ SNAKE EYES. Mature one shot Joy Stick (!!!) plays Tanya’s mom who figures into the none too unexpected denouement when she’s revealed as a former Flash Night Queen, leaving her little girl to carry on the family tradition.

  • Scene 1. Chrissy Williams, George Payne
  • Scene 2. Athena Star, Dan Stephens
  • Scene 3. Alexis X, Athena Star
  • Scene 4. Alexis X, David Sandler
  • Scene 5. Tanya Lawson
  • Scene 6. Nicole Bernard, guy
  • Scene 7. Chrissy Williams, Jerry Butler
  • Scene 8. Joyce Stick, George Payne
  • Scene 9. Tanya Lawson, Bobby Spector
  • Scene 10. Tanya Lawson, Jerry Butler
  • Scene 11. Chrissy Williams, Tanya Lawson, 3 guys, Jerry Butler
  • Scene 12. Tanya Lawson, George Payne