Lust on the Orient Xpress (1986)

Director: Tim McDonald
Studio: Caballero Video

Starring: Gina Carrera, John Leslie, Jennifer Lacy, F. Powers Gireau, Keli Richards, Eric Edwards, Pat Manning, Jamie Gillis, Tracey Adams, Francois

Description: Nick and Nora Chalmers (John Leslie and Gina Carrera) write mystery novels… steamy, sexy mystery novels. In search of plots for the next book, they travel to Europe to experience the passion, desire and intrigue on the legendary Orient X-press. Once on board, they discover a cast of shady (and horny) characters including a potent potentate and his hand job maiden, horny Colonel Kittridge, and the anything but lady like Ashley and her sex starved secretary – all plotting to steal a priceless diamond. “The eye of Eros.” It’s a four-day erotic adventure where it’s not whodunit, but who’s doing it, that counts

The self-proclaimed ‘biggest adult film of 1986’ is just that, the type of big budget affair the porn industry turns out from time to time in a vain attempt to compete with Hollywood, forgetting why people watch erotic films in the first place. John Leslie and Gina Carrera (who looks positively fabulous in period dress) are perfectly capable as Nick and Nora Chalmers (yeah, right), the writing team of a series of dime store detective novels who board the titular vehicle in order to gain inspiration for their latest installment.

Unfortunately, the stolen diamond plot they run into is neither particularly original (unless you count the gem’s eventual hiding place) or exciting. Even worse is the fact that pretty much the same thing can be said about the infrequent sex scenes. Carrera comes off best with a great chemistry encounter with banging Belgian Francois Papillon (hey, you thought Jean-Claude Van Damme was our only gift to the movie world ?!) and a pretty decent – meaning it’s not – three-way with Leslie and back door specialist Keli Richards.

The movie looks good and the acting’s mostly passable though someone should have protected Tracey Adams from that god-awful phony Cockney accent she chose to rather implausibly imbue her character (secretary to posh British lady Pat Manning) with. Helmer Tim McDonald certainly made quite a few better porn movies than this one. Better pick up copies of TALK DIRTY TO ME PART 2, ALEXANDRA or PLAY ME AGAIN, VANESSA. Okay, so the last one’s a heavy duty personal favorite, so sue me.